I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
