So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
