youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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