He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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