Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
