I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
