I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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