saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
