I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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