Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
