Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
