She is in my trunk
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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