Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
