Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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