I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
