oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
