Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
