Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
