My Higher Power is John Stamos
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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