And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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