I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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