awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
