You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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