I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
