Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
