I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
