Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
