the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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