please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
