U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
