He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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