The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
