You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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