Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Actions speak louder than pants.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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