Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
