Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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