apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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