I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
