I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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