my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
