Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
