in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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