it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
