I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize