He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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