I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
