drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
