Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
