i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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