i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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