Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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