i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
