I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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