yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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