Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
