I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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