All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
