you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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