I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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